


Moving Forward

by luciferinmyhead



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Deserves to be Loved (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Being an Asshole, Rejection, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Unrequited Love, castiel deserves better than this bullshit, dean sucks ass, i wrote this in one sitting bc i got to episode 3 and im BIG MAD, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:07:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25068148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferinmyhead/pseuds/luciferinmyhead
Summary: Castiel has been rejected for the last time.Set directly after the events of s15 episode 3
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Moving Forward

**Author's Note:**

> There are so many things I'm mad about with this season (I'm only three episodes in. HA!) but the way Dean is treating Castiel has got me BIG MAD. Seriously. Fuck this season, fuck this show, and FUCK DEAN WINCHESTER IN PARTICULAR

Castiel was lost, both literally, and metaphorically. 

He had taken...pleasure, in killing Belphagor, of purging the manipulative demon from Jack’s body and burning it to nothing so that no other demon could repeat the abominable crime. But the damage had already been done, by then. He’d let the demon get under his skin. Let him pull at his doubts and insecurities until they were a gaping wound that he could no longer ignore. 

He knew, logically, that it was for the best, that he finally acknowledged the truth that had been eating away at him. 

The Winchesters didn’t need him anymore. They didn’t  _ want _ him anymore. 

_ Dean _ didn’t want him. 

And it hurt. It was a pain greater than anything he had ever experienced, to know that the man he had journeyed into Hell itself to save, had given up  _ everything  _ for, didn’t want him around. He wished that his grace was stronger, so that he wouldn’t have to feel the emotion that came with this truth he’d been trying to avoid. He prayed - though what was the point? His Father had doomed them all, he was hardly going to answer Castiel’s pitiful prayers now - that he could return to Heaven, and carry on with his Angelic duty like none of this had ever happened. 

But then...wasn’t this part of being free?

The heartache?

He hated it. 

He trudged through the forest surrounding the bunker, uninterested in following the road that would take him somewhere. He didn’t want to be anywhere right now. He didn’t want anyone, human, angel or anything that remained, to see him in such a state. He was dishevelled, having tore his hands through his hair so many times that he’d caught strands of it between his fingers. The further he got from the bunker, the tighter his chest felt, until tears were slipping down his face. He felt betrayed, and angry, and he wanted nothing more to go back and plead with Dean, to beg for-

-for what? Forgiveness? He had done nothing wrong! He’d deviated from the plan, yes, but nothing on this earth that he could think of would be able to stop Belphagor had he succeeded in absorbing all of Hell’s souls! There was no spell, no relic, no clever solution that could take down a demon with  _ literally _ all the power of Hell. 

He let out a scream, anger and frustration and betrayal ripping at his vocals until he had nothing left to give. Why was it that whenever Castiel made a mistake, it was unforgivable? Sam and Dean made mistakes all the time! And yet whenever Castiel, who had done _nothing_ but try to earn their respect, their loyalty, their _love_ , made a mistake, it was as though he’d caused the end of the world!

Ha.

No, that had been his Father. Castiel had  _ prevented _ the end of the world! He’d waited as long as he dared, for Belphagor to absorb the majority of Hell’s escaped souls, before taking him right when he began to toe the line of unstoppable. It was awful, that the witch -  _ Rowena  _ \- had sacrificed herself to finish the job, but the decision she made had not been Castiel’s doing! 

It...it had not been his doing…

His knees failed him, and he found himself falling to the muddy forest floor, another anguished cry escaping him that quickly became a rapid succession of sobs. 

Why!? Why did Dean blame everything on him? Castiel had tried, had tried  _ so hard _ to be good enough for him, to be perfect! He had done the dirty work, had made the hard decisions, all to save humanity, and the world Dean so desperately strived to protect. He tried to be everything that Dean Winchester wanted, and yet! 

And yet, here he was, kneeling in mud, because Dean had cast him out. Again. Sure, he hadn’t said it out loud, this time, but Castiel was more observant than Dean gave him credit for. He could see - finally see - that Dean did not want him. 

Dean didn’t want him. 

Hopelessness clawed at his heart, a sturdy thing, or at least, it had once been. But Dean Winchester had taken stone in hand and chipped away at Castiel’s defences, had taught him to be vulnerable, to feel, to  _ love _ . And then he had delivered the final blow that had shattered the once mighty Angel. 

He felt like his heart had been pierced by an Angelic sword. The pain, the heartache, and the ceaseless, hapless yearning for a love that would never be his. Dean had made that clear, time and time again. Castiel was certain that Dean knew how the Angel felt about him. Had seen the way Dean’s eyebrows would pinch in realisation every now and then, after Castiel had done or said something to him, particularly during their so called ‘chic flick moments’. 

Dean knew that Castiel’s love ran deeper than brotherhood, and yet he had never given any indication that he felt the same, or any indication that he didn’t. That lack of outright rejection had spurred Castiel’s hopes, had strung him along until he’d practically been throwing himself at the Hunter. 

But this time. Castiel couldn’t deny that this time, there had been nothing but rejection in Dean’s eyes. 

And Castiel would not wait by Dean’s side any longer, hoping for something the Hunter would never give. He was done, for good this time. He would not go back and grovel at Dean’s feet. He would not beg for Dean’s love.

If Dean had ever felt anything for him at all, it was long gone. 

And so...so was Castiel. 

He picked himself up out of the mud, steeling his resolve. He had let himself cry. He had let himself feel the heartache Dean had caused him. And he knew he would feel it again. 

But not right now. Now, he had to get up. He had to put one foot in front of the other. 

As Sam always said.  _ You have to keep moving forward. _

And so that is what Castiel did.


End file.
